Stephanie’s Pillowbook

I thought it would be amusing (well, to me anyway) to collect some of the posts from the old pillowbook on various cranky and absurd subjects.

1) I was happy recently to re-discover an amusing page that I first read on the internet years ago. It comes from the Institute of Holistic Computer Wellness. As well as Astrological System Analysis, natural electricity and the all-important Bad Vibe Filter, the Institute offers homeopathic remedies to combat computer viruses. Following strict homeopathic principles a string of bits from a virus is diluted and shuffled with random bits. A single bit is then removed and stored in your root directory. You are now protected. I laughed so much when I read this I nearly wet my knickers!

The page was written by Charles Bennett, researcher in information theory at IBM. I also like his Mineralarian proposal. In order to avoid causing pain and suffering to all living things it is surely preferable to subsist on a purely mineral diet. All the nutrients we require can be synthesized from air, water, and rock. It must be pointed out that some strict Mineralarians are even opposed to minerals that have been derived from rocks that have resulted from geological violence. Some, even stricter, worry that the air itself is full of the remains of once living things and will only eat food made from meteorites!

Both pages warmly recommended - and they are, of course, jokes…

But what about the following?

2) Someone once posted the most, erm, fascinating, comment to one of my posts. Well, not so much a comment as an essay. I confess, I did not read every single word, so it is no doubt my own fault that I don’t quite understand the obviously vital information that the author Mr Golden has chosen to impart to me. The gist of it I did gather, however, and that is that they are controlling us and our evil ways are only helping them. When I Googled for the brilliant mind behind this thesis I found that he has been posting the same message to any number of blogs and forums. Obviously it is of the utmost importance that the truth be spread! I couldn’t find a website so I suspect he confines his web-bothering moments to comment fields. Still, my search wasn’t wasted - I have spent a most instructive and illuminating hour at free-your-brain - with its wild, paranoid ramblings on, as the heading has it, artificial synchronicity, language manipulation, kundalini and the corners of reality! In short, it’s what happens when someone with schizophrenia watches The Matrix. I liked what it said at the bottom of the page, though: “if you’ve read this text on the internet, it’s only because they have allowed you!” Yikes. I immediately put in my order for an Aluminum Foil Deflector Beanie - but what if they send me a defective one?

3) Then I received a comment to that post from one Lokam announcing that he was in possession of the Key to the Universe and had formed a new religion called la.ma’aSELtcan (weren’t they in one of A.E. van Vogt’s books?). Well, you can read all about it on his website, The Sphere of Life and Death and Life, where he explains that la.ma’aSELtcan is a Theory of Everything and using its power he is able to answer “any conceivable question“. Yes, I, too, can answer any question - chances are, though, it won’t be the correct answer! Anyway, he informs me that I am a “cool guy“… er, OK. I shouldn’t complain - I’m being informed that I can become an immortal being, a god. I just have to wish it. Then I can use my “superpowers” in a “controlled and directed fashion“. Ah, well, I don’t know. Give me superpowers and I’m not sure I can be trusted to use them in a controlled and directed fashion. Mr Lokam informs me that he currently resides in Paradise and rather pointedly asks me “where I am at“. Hmmm. I’m sitting alone in a bedroom on a Friday night. I think I’ll take up Mr Lokam’s offer of divinity and fly off to Mount Olympus and see if Dionysus is up for partying. He’s a saucy fellow, I’ve heard, that Dionysus, fond of his wine, and his women, and not averse to a spot of cross-dressing. I’ll give him a make-over, we’ll get riotously drunk and who knows what will happen?

4) A wonderful piece of spam was picked up by Akismet recommending a “safe alternative” to female hormones. Some mysterious substance, a “natural phyto-estrogen“, available only from Thailand, will give you “adorable fluffy boobs” in less than a month - and “absolutely no side effects“. Naturally, I had my credit card at the ready but then I read further. A “professor” has apparently shown that “one woman’s bust grew 2.5 centimeters in five days through using the substance…” Now, I’d like to grow my own breasts and indeed am rather impatient to do so. But can you imagine? Over an inch in five days! What would that feel like? Just thinking about it makes me shudder. You’d almost be able to see them grow!! And then, with a growth rate like that, well, when does it stop? Creepy… and who wants “fluffy” breasts?

5) A headline in the Daily Mail to a whole-page article by Melanie Philips: “Science… is the new enemy of reason.” I don’t know what to say…

6) A year or two before one Christmas I found this wonderfully rigorous and comprehensive essay proving that Santa Claus, The Great Imposter is in fact the devil in disguise! He is an evil counterfeit of Christ luring young children to his vile worship. Well, I shall be blocking the chimney this year, that’s for sure! Get thee behind me, Santa!! As for the elves - you don’t want to know….

7) You know how when people claim to have lived before they always turn out to have been Cleopatra or someone like that. Well, I wasn’t Cleopatra in a past life it seems. I just followed a link from James Randi’s site to Past Life Analysis which claims to be able to tell you who you were in your last incarnation. And who was Stephanie Delacey? A male gravedigger in Quebec around the year 700. Humphhh. That can’t be right. OK, I wasn’t Cleopatra but surely I was something more glamorous than a gravedigger!! The “diagnosis” then continues: “The lesson that your last past life brought to your present incarnation: You are bound to solve problems of pollution of environment, recycling, misuse of raw materials, elimination of radioactivity by all means including psychological methods.” Well, there’s someone who’s never seen my room! Then I recall that I was actually born 10 days late so I enter that date instead. I don’t know, it seems more genuinely woo-ish to manipulate your birthday like that, don’t you agree? Anyway, the result was much more favourable this time: apparently I was a female teacher, mathematician or geologist born in Thailand around 875. I prefer that, I think. Well, yes, but then I’d prefer just about anything to being a gravedigger!

8) While I have had the pleasure of being visited by several rather harmless weirdos they have fortunately not out-stayed their welcome - rare behaviour from the species, I must say. I prefer to go visit them - it’s easier to make a quick getaway. For instance, it is an enjoyable pastime of mine to browse occasionally through the fabulously weird archives of CrankDotNet, which has long been dedicated to archiving all the “cranks, crackpots, kooks and loons on the net“. I do like the way each site is graded: cranky… crankier… crankiest… illucid! It’s fascinating to observe the sheer stupidity of intelligent people, the ease with which little crotchets of bad reasoning seem to obsess certain minds.

There are one or two other sites which catalogue weird thinking on the web. One of them is Quintessence of the Loon - while no longer updated (except to remove broken links) it is still useful. The work is still being continued, however, at The Millenium Project, exploring “the fundaments of the ‘net“.

Another good site for those not afraid to delve into the depths of human ridiculousness is Allee and Franc’s Insolitology. They review some of the more spectacularly absurd lunatics on the internet. Number one on their list of the top 8 crank sites is Gene Ray - I assume everybody has sampled the Time Cube by now… I was interested to read in their FAQ something which certainly chimes with my experience: the crankier the ideas expressed, the more offensive the web design. Perhaps it is a law? It is also suggested that all cranks hate homosexuals. Is that true, I wonder?

Of course, you might be asking yourself by now, am I a crank? Well, let’s find out. First of all, it’s worth reading Laws of Nature: A Skeptic’s Guide, which outlines the fundamental physical principles that are invariably ignored, maligned, mangled, misunderstood or otherwise mistreated by the lone and loony thinker. It’s strict, I know, but wantonly violate the First Law of Thermodynamics, for instance, as so many do, and you will no longer be welcome in polite society.

But if you are resolved, then you must familiarise yourself with The Woo-Woo Credo and make it your catechism.

You might like to test yourself at Are You A Quack? - a general survey of the idiotic and tedious arguments often presented when cranks attempt to convince you of their theories, eg “The establishment always rejects new ideas.”

The Crackpot Index turns this into a game for those who like to dispute physics. I like this one: “5 points for using a thought experiment that contradicts the results of a widely accepted real experiment“. I am quite allergic to “thought experiments” myself…

Russell Turpin’s Characterization of quack theories provides a good quick survey of what actually counts as evidence in scientific argument and what does not. The Baloney Detection Kit contains a more general and exhaustive list of questions which should be asked of any new idea, theory, or claim. Both are excellent resources for those whose exposure to science is limited.

I recommend Prophecy for Dummies, the sure-fire guide to becoming the prophet of your own religion. Hilarious.